Who Touched My Diary?!
May 14th 20XX: A Recurring Event
“Kiiiiiinnnngggggg!”……….“King!”
“Yes, Mum!”
“You and your sister have come again abi? Which one of y’all touched my diary?”
‘’Your milk?”
‘’Don’t be silly boy, who removed it from my bookshelf and why? I’ve told you guys it’s off-limits. Go call your sister for me.’’
‘’Yes, Mummy?’’ ,
‘’Tutu, did you touch my diary?’’
‘’Loool, I know better than to do that Mummy, it must have been King.’’
‘’Meeee? I’m not the one struggling to keep a string of boyfriends. Who knows, you might be pinching lines off Mum’s love letters from back in the day to even send to them….tsk.’’
“Tutu! you have boyfriendssssss?!”
‘’Okay guys, what’s going on here?”
‘’Babe, can you see your kids? they spying on my diary and on the letters we exchanged from back in the day.”
‘’And why are you making a big deal out of it? …Woman, how are you so sure that someone even touched the goddamn diary?😅”
‘’You know I know my stuff and my stuff know me back, don’t ask me how babe…’’
‘’Okay okay, stop it with the cold stare, I was the one who touched it 🤷🏾♂️. I turn 40 today and just wanted to muddle in the nostalgia of your birthday notes to me from some years back, heck.’’
‘’Pops, so which one(s) did you “muddle” in?’’
‘’Well, a lot but I couldn’t get past the note she wrote to me on my 24th birthday. Apparently, she drafted it in there before she had it framed and sent to me. Ain’t I one lucky man…..?’’
‘’In fact, why don’t we ask your Mum to read the birthday message out to all of us? After all, I’m yet to receive the birthday gift of today…”
“Hey Mister, I told you we too old for daylight birthday gifts….I’d see you at night, and then we can unwrap it together…’’
‘’Yuck, Mummmy!”
‘’So much for someone who has many boyfriends…..Tutu, please could you pass me my diary or better still open to May 14th so you know exactly where to look for the next love letter …”
‘’…don't you roll those eyes at me girl!”
‘’Gosh, this is so cheesy babe, I can’t believe you’re making me do this in front of the kids…….okay okay, gather round you nosy peopplleee, I knew the size of your father’s nose was gonna cost me someday.’’
To My Gentleman: 14 Reasons Why…
I know you’d be wondering why not 24 reasons today but I thought really hard about it too and I said you know what? He’s not even logophilic enough to appreciate this nor the hugest fan of my epistles so I’d just keep it at 14. Plusss, did you know that 14 is a double 7? duuhh! but you know 7 is your lucky number so I must have hit jackpot twice with you! Hahaha… Even in 1st Corinthians 13, Saint Paul describes love in about 14 qualities (well, depending on how you read/count it…heheee). Some Trusted Psychic Medium would even tell you that the number 14 signifies that ‘’you will soon embark on a journey that will lead you to the person you will spend the rest of your life with’’ (no jokes, you can actually check it out! but it feels like it happened to me so yeahh, I believe them). Last and the best!….. wait for it…..did you also know that Love is celebrated worldwide on the 14th of the second month of every year? lmaoooo so cool, I know right?! (don’t you dare roll those beautiful fully-lashed eyes at me).
Okay okay, I digress, I’m so happy that you’re a year older today and look at us, we are becoming adults together! I still remember the N500 you gave me for my 17th birthday but now you send me gift cards with extra zeros behind! Odumeje like you! where can one find?
Putain! this is already becoming an epistle but you’d keep reading for me right?
Mummy, what is ‘putan’? it sounds……
Tutu nauu! if you interrupt me, I’d lose my mojo😪
Sorry Mummy, go on…..
So, of course, there are a torrent of reasons why any girl would want to be with you but here are my 14 Reasons Why. Why I love you, why I would say YES to you again …or you know, yes to becoming your baby momma…
1.You are a friend of God; I mean I see how serious you take your r/ship with Him and I’m like yasssss Lord! Yasss! Thank You for having me covered!
2. We share the same values, I can go on and on and on here but just to let you know, I’m especially happy about the love, loyalty, and inestimable value we share for beans and bread and yes, you remain the ‘group admin’ of that group chat.
3. I trust you with 80% of my life; at least right now. I’m even still having a hard time trusting God a 100% so that’s more than enough credit okay? The worst part now is, if I ask you, you can tell me you trust me with only 45%…rme, but we cool.
4. You respect me as a woman; you are chivalry and chivalry is you! Also, I feel mostly safe expressing my true alpha female self to and around you.
5. You are genuinely interested in me as a person.
6. You bring out the innate good in me; not the good I try to be but the good I really am. Imagine if no one ever saw that!
7. You are an honest man with integrity, stable in all your ways.
8. I respect your sagacity; you know all that wisdom and intellect.
9. I am confident in your leadership as a man; I love to see how passion drives you to do the things you love and I believe in you.
10. Trust me, I see the man in you and my g- and h- spot are pleased!, well h for heart, I’d have to check the dicktionary for what g might mean.
11. You are the next musician to watch out for; record sales coming soon to y(our) backyard! But for real, I would sell the lyrics to the songs you’ve written me to prove this to you but I am too selfish for that….who wouldn’t be?
12. You are my trusted confidant.
13. I just seem to think that someday, you will make a good husband and father.
14. You are my Gentleman; reserved and confident in your individualism.
‘’Lawwwwwwwwwwd, this is giving me all the right vibbbesss for tonight’s present!…you’re not going to say anything babe? even with all the histrionics I added to the reading… no? no hug, peck,kilz….nothing?”
‘’Mum, he’s still muddled in the nostalgia…that’s why he’s speechless. I won’t have an immediate reply for any girl who wrote that to me let alone professed it….who are you, Mum?!!”
Well, your father’s first and last girlfriend innit?
‘’Mummy, what if both of you never got married…..in fact, you didn’t get married till like…..how many years after this birthday?! I’d be so afraid to get vulnerable with a guy-friend like that.’’
‘’Well, Tuts, I guess if we never got married, it would have been some solid gist for my mansion mates in Heaven, don’t you think?’’
‘’Okay, you both, go get ready for your grandpa’s birthday rehearsal dinner tonight and don’t go sniffing around my bookshelf again or touching my diaries…okay, honey bunnies?’’
“It wasn’t even us…”
‘’I heard that!’’
‘’Honey, your old man turns 74 or 75 tomorrow?’’
‘’Come here, woman …we have to move this year’s birthday present unwrapping to now…or never.’’
“SO now you threatening me, man?…x…o...s…x…o…s…’’
‘’I love you, sweetheart.’’
‘’I love you more, Happy 4̶0̶t̶h̶ Birthday and cheers to celebrating the rest of our birthdays together, till…eternity.’’
‘’SILWM after all these years, huh?’’
‘’SILWY…Always!’’
Xx,
Tee.
