Tears of My Regret

The one time your break-up hits you.

[Fear ; Part II]

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Denial

• Why am I holding on this long?
• Am I holding on longer than I should?
• Who am I without him?
• Why am I expecting so much?
• Am I scared for him?…of him going down the dark hole?
• Or am I scared of losing a long-life partner?
• Am I convicted of what the future holds?
• Or just scared of being 30 and lonely?
• Who am I without him?
• Why am I holding on this long?
• Am I holding on longer than I should?
• Am I pushing it?
• Does he really want to be alone?
• I cringe remembering the ILY texts

Anger

• Who do I blame for all of this?
• Do I blame her?
• Do I blame him?
• Do I blame myself?
• What is this darkness that plagues him?
• “If it makes me sleep better?”
• What the forking hell???
• I really want to let go without hurting myself, without hurting him.
• But he was already ready to let go.
• How long would I keep “punishing” him for just one mistake?
• Was it just 1?!!!!
• Ugh, I’m angry!…am I still really angry???
• Why am I expecting so much, do I even give that much forks about it?
• Maybe it’s time to really let go 😔

Bargaining

• Do I deserve him?
• Does he deserve me?
• What if he still prefers talking to her?
• Goooodddd, what are we supposed to be?!!!!!
• This sucksssssss!!!! Sucks, sucks, sucks like everywhere!
• Why do I feel the need to always impress him?
• Why does his opinion matter so much to me?
• Why am I afraid of standing on my ownnnnnnnn?????!!!!!!
• Is it the fear of being single and alone?
• How do you go back to never being single???!!!
• I hate this relationship thing so much I can’t stand myself when I’m in it!
• Going to bed early because I think he hates me and I need to sleep it off.
• Sis, it’s about time you accept it!
• Am I still bargaining?
• Or still in complete denial?

Depression

• This is so shittty, so sappy, so messy…without the happpy
• What the freaking hell Tolu?!
• What is this fear of letting go??!!!
• He already let go of you twice!!!!!
• What if he’s lying about all of the love, but you trust him no? yes?
• This is the only thing that makes me feel less of myself, TOXIC!
• But we are such good people, with a future of beautiful unexplored feelings before us!
• God is this what’s stopping me from going to the next level with you????????
• How much don’t I know about him?
• What else don’t I know about him?
• What the HELL??!!
• I hate this so much.
• Even without the break up, I’m sure we’d still be this shattered and unclear about the future.
• What do I get him for his 25th birthday?
• I’ve gifted him something little since we were 17!!!!!!!!
• Jesus Christ, I need a sign or else I’m not letting go! How can I if I don’t know how how to 😭
• Any sign at all; please.

Acceptance

• I’m tired of going in circles. He was tired first.
• “This might be a hard reset” but did I reboot the system before it was time?
• Did I even let the power go off completely?!!!!!!
• What the flipping helllllllllll😭
• Who’s going to love me so honestly ?
• Who’s going to accept me and all these attitude baggage?
• Who’s going to love me without asking for too much?
• Who’s going to love me if I spat in their face everyday?
• Who’s going to love me even if I didn’t care so much for them?
• Who’s going to love me if they knew I might be a little too much to handle?
• Who’s going to love without expecting anything in return?
• Who’s going to love me the way I want to be loved?
• Whose going to love me through gifts and Acts of service???
• Who’s going to love me like YOU would want them to?
• Sigh
• Who’s going to love me like I never learnt to love myself yet?
• Who’s going to love me enough to want to stay this long?
• Who’s going to love me without any titles?
• Is this a soul tie? Can I detach?!!!!
• Please!!!
• When will I wake up to not caring about him anymore?
• When he becomes happy with his new girl friend, where would I be, what would become of me?
• Definitely this other guy trying to be in my life is not an option!
• Sigh
• Who am I without him?
• Okay, I don’t mind a third break up
• Please keep me in check
• Help me accept this brokenness
• Help me accept the emptiness too.
• Help me accept these tears of regret, regret of what we could be but never became.
• I am going to bed once again because I can do nothing productive when we are at silent war.
• I absolutely hate him and I absolutely hate it here when I know he’s not happy with me.
• This will be my last tear of regret…
• Amen.

Author’s Note: Originally written circa 2020/2021. Lost in my painful thoughts, I didn’t want them to escape, except they were escaping into this world of mine — my medium; my praise then, my freedom now. If you can relate however, to these stages of grief, I hope your heart is now h̶e̶a̶l̶e̶d̶ healing and your deep thoughts, now shallow. I hope you no longer hurt and hope that you are now able to forgive. To be once best friends and now strangers is enough to send anyone to the psychiatric ward so I hope your sanity is being restored too. I want to hope that the tears of your regret will someday dry up. It was a good ride but ‘no good thing lasts forever’.