On My Trip to New York, from Texas I

Part 1 — Random things to know about me before asking me on a date

Author’s Note: This article was originally written during my flight back from Dallas, TX to NYC on October 2nd, 2022 and wrapped up around 12:18 am ET the next day, just before I landed. My younger sister was going to be proposed to later that day on October 3rd, West African Time, so this article was generally inspired by me thinking about her upcoming wedding. I couldn’t believe it!…and I was so happy for her and her special person (now husband). I still am so I’m dedicating this to those thinking of a special person they hope to meet someday today, to the outspoken 27-year old lady I’m becoming, and most importantly, to the man I hope to love till Jesus comes. Happy Valentine’s Day! (and Happy Black History Month!)

Photo by Victoria Feliniak on Unsplash

So where do we start?

Let’s actually call this article my Dating 101’s — Random things to know about me before asking any kind of serious question, to either date or marry you OR Random things to know to secure my big, bold, beautiful, Black Love. Lol. I guess we could start from there.

1. I enjoy writing. I generally like/prefer to express myself through writing. Words, to me, would always feel heavier when spoken but lighter when written. I also enjoy talking don’t get me wrong, I have a podcast so I would know…but writing is a stronger forte. I really hope you like to read though (and listen) and I do both quite well.
2. I was raised by a prim and proper lady. A woman who has worked at the same company for over 30 years and worn skirt suits 99 out of the 100 times she shows up at work. She always carried a handbag that had a purse filled with pocket tissue, lip balm , a hair brush and a biro. She cannot stand dirt nor disorganization in the same space she co-exists. She raised five promising daughters while rising to the very top of her career. She is a woman who wants its all and sometimes, has it all. I am a striking mirror image of that woman. There are days I will unequivocally show up as her — a Queen who needs no Knight nor subject at her side — and I hope it threatens you in no way. I imagine you’d be raised by a Queen too so I hope you show up too, as the King that you are. Be the Scepter to my Crown and I will be the whole adornment to your Kingship. I am as much a trophy as you are the prize. Love you my King.
3. My mum also read bedtime stories to my sisters and I . In-fact she read it to anyone (cousins, family-friends, aunties) who slept over at our house/with us in our bedroom. I remember this very fondly because they were Christian bedtime stories. They were stories that showed off God’s power and His might. His wisdom and His love. Also, what He could do when we put our trust in Him. I remember this very fondly. And she was quite theatrical. Using sounds and weird voices to describe the wind blowing at night,someone getting caught or a knock on the door. She also read Bible stories to us in beautiful ways. I have a whole movie in my head about the story of The Ten Virgins and The Good Samaritan because of this. Being a very pious, hard-working and ambitious-driven woman, her hidden quirks still amaze me to this day. Anyway, my mum generally liked taking us along to the bookstore which meant we got to choose a lot of books and oh did she buy us so many. The hardly interesting Lady bird books — A,B,C, 1–12 — to the utterly interesting Francine Rivers and Stephanie Perry Moore books where you learnt to fall in love the Holy way, and chat about it with your girl-friends in your fanatically Christian boarding school, haha! I do remember all of this very fondly and I hope that someday our kids (if we do have kids) can have fond memories like this, of me too.
4. I am a soft rock. Pour water on me long enough to watch nothing happen but break me open soon enough to find out that I cannot ignore that much love nor withstand that much affection. I am sandstone enough to build a future with.
5. I have a lot of friends. Like a loooooooot of friends, and acquaintances. And I love to show up and out for them. That, I get from my Dad. This will usually involve a lot of spending, time and money-wise and us going to their events or parties together too. Nothing that should worry you though because they’re all great people! But [do you think you] can you handle it?
6. I do not open up very easily. I do not know how to. Intimacy, not my forte. Even for an open book, my pages can still come off illegible. But if we both have the Holy Spirit within us, I trust Him to help us out…especially on our wedding night.
7. I love God and cannot romantically fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel as strongly about Him as I do. Period. No questions asked. Okay, one question though — do you love God and desire to please him all the days of your life? Yes? Then try. No? Well, see you around.
8. I say now that I have overcome body shame and doubts about my physical beauty. On most days, yes, but on other days while I still try to… I hope you’d be there to remind me how beautiful I am.
9. I enjoy hosting — remember I have a lot of friends/know a lot of people — which might include a lot of socializing, small talk, selfless-giving, cleaning and cooking. I do not in fact ‘’enjoy’’ any of the four items as stand-alone activities but when I do them altogether, especially for the friends and family that I love, it brings me great joy and I hope that’s okay with you too.
10. I enjoy good food, only IF it makes me happy. What I’m really trying to say is…I’m a picky eater. What you like, I might hate and what you hate I might love but I’m willing to try new stuff because I believe I’d love you that much. I do not exactly eat for fun but when I do, it better be making me happy. No calories to be wasted around here.
11. I do not trust men aged 30 and above, that is, men aged three/four years above me at any given time. I do not trust them to treat me as equal. Yes, I agree; it’s a dangerously broad generalization and it might have something to do with me growing up Yoruba or growing up as the first born child. Growing up Yoruba meant that everything was about respect for the older one and growing up as the first born meant that everything was about age. I do not want to be in a relationship that constantly reminds me of that servile and obsequious past, and usually the age gap does. I do not want to be with a man who expects me to respect him ‘’just because I’m younger’’. You shouldn’t need me to respect you to prove your masculinity. Gently unpack that. My respect for you should hinge on no reason at all. We are all deserving of mutual respect, no matter who we are or how old we are. So you see, any age-gap as wide as the invisible space between my teeth, I am extremely wary. If you are 30 and above and can prove me wrong though, please try. If you are 30 and younger, I don’t trust you all the same but I’m willing to try. No pressure.
12. I love listening to music. Mostly because I can’t bear to sit with my own thoughts for too long but also because music gives expression to my moods and feelings. My favorite genres are Gospel, Contemporary Christian, Pop, Afrobeats (including Afro-fusion, Afropop and Afrogospel), Rhythm & Blues, some rap/trap and some country. Also, these kinds of music, always get me moving. You know how people shower-sing? Yeah, I shower-dance, mirror-dance, etc. etc. If you don’t gerrit, forgerrabourit. Skrrrr.
13. I have the most tough-loving parents; a mum who has prayed me into the woman I am today and a dad who has has always fiercely believed in me, even when I had no clue what I was capable of. Some scars to the beauty they’ve created but I love them all the same. Relating with them initially might feel tough especially because where I’m from, we tend to hide our true feelings and act sanctimonious about everything…but I believe we’d learn to love and accommodate them together. I also can’t wait to meet your parents and love and respect them as much as mine.
14. In addition to my two parents, I have 4 beautiful sisters. Like literally; ask me for a picture. I have cried, laughed and grown with them into adulthood and I would die or draw blood before you or anyone else thinks of touching them. Hol’ up, I’m still cute lil’ me, don’t worry, but I just thought to let you know that I carry a knife in my heart’s pocket and a bomb in my brain’s backpack for perpetrators of domestic violence. You get the picture? lol
15. I used to have issues with anger, revenge, unforgiveness, and wasn’t exactly the kindest person in the room. Hard to believe, I know, but there are seconds, minutes, moments, days that those traits resurface. Not that I’m making excuses for bad habits or behaviours but I do not do well with feeling betrayed — any form of betrayal at all, including being lied to or cheated on. On a lighter note, green might be my least favorite colour because jealousy does NOT look good on me, boo.
16. I have a girl posse of six. I love them dearly. I met 5 of them in college and one of them in high school. Not all in the same group but I talk to them every other day including every other month during our calls at 4.30 pm ET every last Sunday. They are my safe space. I hope you can top that though. Anyway, I’d love for you to make cameos every now and then during those monthly calls because I intend to be a part it till I am [we are] old and grey.
17. I have SECRET dreams of becoming a TV personality, an actress or a talk-show host someday…of being a celebrity, famous, giving standing ovation-worthy speeches and being known. for a special art. I cannot believe I even just admitted that. I’m not exactly seeking support because I’m not even sure how much I believe in the dream, but I high key wish it would come true. I also high key wish you’d be okay with me becoming a Hollywood star if it comes true but shhh, it’s all a secret.
18. On some days, I also imagine myself as a politician. A person professionally involved in practicing politics especially as a holder of or a candidate for an elected office. The kind that actually serves people and brings change to her constituents. I’ve tasted what it is to transformationally lead a large group of people to bring about change, and impact made on any front, however small, tastes sweet. Visible impact, even sweeter. So maybe that’s why I play with those thoughts and think I can join the government to make a better nation at home or abroad. Another secret dream though, shhhhhh.
19. There’s all this talk online about couples or people going on dates splitting bills and what-nots. Given different financial circumstances of couples/dates over the world, all views will be nuanced. However, I believe that two people who are beginning to like each other will not make conversation of it enough to become a problem. Also, the average nice gentleman or lady, with means, would know what to do to make their ends meet. The question now is, are you beginning to like what you see? lol
20. I used to think my greatest fear was getting raped or getting shot in open fire without saying goodbye to my family but when I objectively think about it, my greatest fear is actually going to prison. Remember the global perpetual quarantine in 2020? That’s one apparent example. Getting locked up for whatever the law might choose to call a crime or because of moral/societal constructs is very scary to me. The complexity of the whole justice system in America just seems very complex to me. So I do fear going to prison — the mental or physical kind. I’ve paid one too many visits to the mental kind, and I’m 1000% positive that I don’t want to be in a physical one either. When They See Us couldn’t have made it any worse. I wish I could communicate this better right now but we can talk about it when we finally meet.
21. Growing up, my family celebrated all our birthdays. With prayers, songs, birthday wishes on cards, gifts and beautiful birthday cakes. It was either three or all five of those. Prayers being constant. I intend to continue the beautiful tradition with you [and our children]. In my 27 years, the only time I never got a birthday cake was on my 12th birthday. My parents had a wedding to attend that day and I don’t remember there being any celebration but I must have gotten a card. We ate Amala (which was a strong contender with beans for my worst food back then) as opposed to the Jollof/Fried rice that my Mummy would have made but it was just that one time. Even in University, they’d still send money for a cake and I would buy it because it was now a norm to be celebrated on my birthdays. I hope you never forget to celebrate me on my birthdays too.
22. Also, we ate birthday cake leftovers for breakfast the next day and drank fruit or black tea to go with it. My mum taught us to drink tea and my dad, to drink coffee. In addition, we would sometimes pair it with Shortbread, Rich Tea, Digestive, Hobnobs or Ritz cookies. I still drink tea and biscuits (cookies) till this day. I intend to introduce this beautiful tradition to you and our children as well, if you’d like.
23. Every Cross Over night, or New Year’s Eve, well on most during my childhood, we would pop a bottle of non-alcoholic wine (Eva, Velvet, Chamdor, Martinellis) and drink with Danish cookies once we got back from church. My dad would then proceed to put on the TV to follow up with other countries crossing over into the New Year too on CNN. A ritual I’d love to keep as well, if we can.
24. I’m a vanilla girl. Simple and sweet. My favorite colour of ice cream is also white. Emphasizing the colour in addition to the flavour because I’d like to take a moment to call out my dislike for chocolates and the chocolate flavour (I love white chocolate though, Hello Lindt & Toblerone!). I also do not like chocolate ice-cream nor its brown/dark brown colour ...well with the exception of caramel and pecan-flavoured ice-cream. I love the blue-coloured cotton-candy flavoured ice-cream too. Anyway, always keep it vanilla - simple & sweet.
25. My favorite candle scent is vanilla too but since I discovered pumpkin scents, I need no saving because there’s no going back! Actually, I also love spicy; simple, sweet and spicy. What more could you want?
26. Remember my hopes that you’d love to read? Yes, “Dear Ijewawele” is a book I’d like us to read together. Not only because it’s a Feminist Manifesto but also because it brings to light all the ways we’ve been socially conditioned towards certain gender roles at home. It also does a good job of deconstructing it. I haven’t been fully able to admit yet that I am a Feminist because I fear that Feminist women are often conflated with aggressive or ‘’unsubmissive’’ women. This, my Christian sisters would understand and I am working towards being addressed as neither. Also, Feminism sometimes seems contextual, that is, context would need to be provided before you can determine whether or not it is a woman’s place to do or be something. The author compares this to racism. What more context should need to be provided to prove that systemic racism or any kind of racism at all is bad, demonic, evil? I believe it’s a book we should both read, and re-read. I hope to raise our son and/or daughter to be Feminist as well — viewing the male and female gender as equal.
27. I enjoy working; I was raised to value the dignity of labour. Some might call me a workaholic or say that I have the tendency to choose my job/career over a man, and I confirm that both probabilities are high. In-fact my mum once joked that my job will never be able to love me back, and no truer words have ever been spoken. What I’m really trying to say is, I don’t know how I feel about ever becoming a stay-at-home mum and I’m not sure I’d like to know. However, if, there ever comes a time, where I have to become one, don’t insist on it because I’d feel very demeaned. I’d then be “forced” to make the argument for why you can’t become a stay-at-home dad too. And it would be delusional to think that it’s really an option in the society we live in, except maybe, if we lived in Barbieland. Instead, remind me of what’s really important — you, our health, our current situation, our children (if we have any) or whatever it is that might make us have to cross this bridge — and help me see how it might be a worthy compromise. Remind me, please, and then trust me to choose what’s important. Don’t make me choose, just remind me, because I’ve always thought I could have it all. I want it all, I’d like it all. I might forget so I’m asking your help because I could admit it now that I could never choose my job over my family but it’s always easier said than done.

To be continued…

Soooo, I hope that was a good start because this is just 27 of a 100 things you should know, lol. I look forward to reading your long list of random 101’s tooooo but please make it longer; I actually enjoy reading and it’d make me feel less bad about how long mine is. Thank you 😘… and see you soon, mister?

Ps. Now, this part of the story wasn’t planned but kindly indulge me while I tell it anyway. So you know, today is Val’s Day; I’m publishing this article today February 14th, 2023. I realize that I’m fast becoming one of those people that romanticize their singlehood, even though I’ve only been single for a minute. You can’t blame me; being emotionally attached to someone for nine going on ten years doesn’t just go away. So I decided to WFH today…and after what has been a very long day, I decide to cook myself my favorite meal— Jollof rice, fried plantains and chicken.

Thankfully, throughout the day, work kept my mind preoccupied enough to not think about celebrating my first Val’s Day in 10 years as a single lady. Mind you, there weren’t exactly any feelings of happiness or sadness today; just numbness. However, this time last year, I was interviewing for the job I have today so nonetheless, I was feeling very grateful.

While cooking, and on a call with one of my gals and listening to this beautiful nostalgic playlist, I got the notification that I had a front-door delivery. A bouquet of flowers had been delivered to the front of my door.

Valentine’s Day Flowers — PS I Love You. Delivered on Feb. 14th 2023 around 7pm ET

Too tired to try to figure out the surprise or who sent them, especially because I’m a single lady with no known secret admirers, my younger sister, who basically inspired this article texts me at 1 am her time to ask what I’m up to. It clicked. I call her, and yes, she’s the one. She sent me these flowers all the way from the UK where she now resides with her special person. She proceeds to tell me that she hopes this is my last Val’s Day as a single woman; we share a moment. We fight the tears but hers win. I realize how loved I feel and now I’m here, at a loss for words to express how I really feel. I thought I didn’t care about today, plus my job was my Valentine this year. I mean, I hope that never changes; I love my job. However, it’s good to know that a love like this exists. Platonic yet so agape. Je t’aime, Temi. Oui, je parle francais un peu, aussi (inserts melting face emoji). Now, I also find myself dedicating this article to God, who I know loves me more than any man can or will ever be able to. I strongly believe everything happened this way so I could feel His love even when I didn’t ask for it. On a lighter note, I also got a Val’s gift from one of my dear friends, messages from my mum and from beautiful Galentines at home and abroad. Also, some kind words from a couple of folks at work today after I recalled that I took my first interview for Google on Feb. 14, 2022. It’s been a full circle kind-of-day today.

Here’s how I’d be spending the rest of my night:

Valentine’s Day Dinner (for one) —Nigerian Jollof Rice, Grilled Chicken & Fried Plantains

I plan to pair this good food with either of my fav shows — All American or Abbott Elementary and then we can resume thinking of my single-hood tomorrow, next week or next year, lol. If my sister’s hopes are not met. And oh, did I mention, I also know how to cook a good Nigerian meal. I mean I’m a Catering School drop-out but I have as much promise as Bill, Steve and Mark, who arguably chef’d up the entire technology we have in the world today.

Okay then, I guess this is me. Sigh. Have a goodnight.

What was your Val’s Day story this year?