On My Trip to New York, from Boston.
What If I Told You I Had Always Been Called Fat?
What If I Told You I Had Always Been Called Fat?
*Takes a deep breath* Lord, teach me to forgive all those who’ve offended me…
Firstly, I hear you.
You don’t think I’m fat. I hear you, but right now, I am telling you I was called fat and I need you to believe me. Above are 4 -10 years proof of how fat they said I looked. I’m serious, I can’t make this stuff up but let’s throw it all the way back to 2012 before we begin shall we?
At age 16, I was also considered fat for my age. Poor skinny little me. Also, I must say, if you’re exactly sensitive to topics like this on body image, body positivity or generally sensitive about how you feel about your body, you may want to stop reading right here. In no way do I want to make you feel uncomfortable or on the edge while you read this or look at me. Neither do I want you to judge my motive for this article. Furthermore, I want to break the bad habit of fearing for someone else’s fragile ego when I think or talk [highly] about myself. I’m really writing this for me and anyone who can genuinely relate. I was sensitive too until yesterday during my trip when it hit me that I was never really fat. Bigger than others maybe but never really fat.
It’s been about 24 hours and I have decided to truly embrace my body for what it is. Call me Lizzo.
Yesterday, on a road trip back to New York (from Boston), I was sorting through pictures from a few years ago to create this reel because of how my body size had changed enough for you think I was a different person from a different movie, lol. It was all fun and games till I realized how much slimmer I was back then! I couldn’t believe how I looked so slim back then and was still called or always referred to as fat. Oh, I became angry.
Now let’s define certain terms so you can keep the (negative) connotations aside and focus on the literal meaning of some of these words for the rest of your read.
According to Google:
- Fat: (of a person or animal) having a large amount of excess flesh.
To be honest, fat as a word now has such a negative connotation that when you read or hear it, you automatically feel such dismay or hurt like someone was being called ugly or insulted for basically existing in a large body.
2. Thin: (of a person) having little, or too little, flesh or fat on their body.
3. Slim: (of a person or their build) gracefully thin; slenderly built (used approvingly).
Okay now, how rude is it that the internet thinks the word Fat and not thin can be used to describe an animal? or how classist is it that it thinks that a person can be gracefully thin but not gracefully fat. I’m angry so I’d just say this, if an alphabet size’s was determined by length, thin would be a fatter word than fat. Yup, there you have it, someone had to say it. Not like I’m fighting with anybody or am I?
4. P.H.A.T: Pretty, Hot and Thick
5. Big: something that is large in height, weight, size, or amount
6. Plump: Having a full-rounded shape.
7. Chubby: The definition of chubby is someone plump, rounded or slightly overweight.
8. Figure 8: A figure-8 body shape is very similar to an hourglass, narrow waist with bust and hips that are proportional.
Don’t tell me you didn’t see that pun coming.
9. Plus-sized: Designed for people who are larger than average, or used to describe someone who is larger than average in size.
10. Curvy:(of a woman’s figure) shapely and voluptuous. A curvy woman has an attractive body with large breasts, a small waist, and wide hips.
11. Thick: When “a person has fat in the right places, creating sexy curves”.
12. Thicc: (My fav) The word THICC (pronounced “Tick”) is used to describe a person (usually a woman) with a body that is “Big, Curvy and Sexy.” Typically, a woman who is THICC will have an hourglass or pear-shaped figure, with particularly large buttocks and thighs. THICC is generally considered a compliment and is intended to show appreciation for bodies that do not conform with the “tyranny of thinness.”
The tyranny of thinness: The thinness revolution, which began in the mid-20th century in Western society, struck deep roots in popular culture, and the fat body became a symbol of countless negative aspects: lack of self-control, bad aesthetics, inferior morals, and so on.
So there you have it, what adjective would you choose to describe me (or yourself) with today? Did someone say Thicc? Thicc, Big, Black & Beautiful? You better preach it, sis. Amen to that!
Since the pandemic (between March 2020 and Dec. 2021), I have put on about 15–20kg. Now, that’s a weight gain! I have no specifics because I can no longer climb a scale nor wait to see its final verdict because only God can judge me, 2Pac. The disappointment is not worth it anymore, lol.
From staying home all day, to Zoom University, to virtual internship, to limited outside gatherings, and then losing any real chance at serious physical activity, the number just seems to be getting bigger and for now, I’m okay with not knowing my exact weight.
By the way, I never used to gym, or go to the gym. I do usually wake up like that you know. The times I went though, or ran a treadmill at home, it was all fit-fam pressure that did nothing but get me infected with COVID-19 a second time. I’m joking, exercising does improve my mood and make me feel good.
For 2022, I’d been thinking of trying to eat better and hit the gym more often. By eat better, I mean continued portion rationing and choosing healthier meal options (e.g. less added sugar and more greens) but not exactly dieting because I live for Jesus then rice and chicken. And by hit the gym, I mean 30 minutes on the treadmill or a 15 minutes dance work-out with Kukuwa every other morning. Please and thank you. Anyway, I (was) am determined to adding more physical activity to my routine because I could lounge all day, fat be damned.
So you see, on that road trip, I was just a regular girl mourning her weight gain and rightfully so.
I’m trying to remember now, for how long I had been called fat. Okay, I remember, maybe about 20 years now? …and I was angry because for 20 years, I’ve been trying to achieve looking slimmer all my life.
With all my fat in the right places, tiger stripes and beautiful brown skin, I was never enough. Mind you, this isn’t some activism for ‘‘’You are enough’’, or maybe it is, but that is not the intention. Remember it’s just a regular girl mourning her weight gain like she’s done for the past 20 years.
I wonder why there was a never a time she paused and thought: ‘’I look very beautiful today. Slim girls would want to be me too’’. It was always: ‘’Mehn, when would I ever lose weight?’’, ‘’Is this cocoa butter working?’’, ‘’Am I really eating too much?’’ ‘’Eww, why is your butt this big’’ ‘’How can he think I’m beautiful?’’, ‘’When would I have a flat tummy again?’’ ‘’Is it how I eat or it’s just my genes?’’And then I look at some of my old pictures and think: ‘’ Wow, only if I could look like that now. I would give anything’’.
The only question I have now is why did I look that good and still consider myself fat? Who said 76kg was fat? BMI index? Friends? Family? Haters? I’m trying so hard not to blame anyone for qualifying my body type as fat but I don’t think I would have ever judged myself that way or as less beautiful if people didn’t say it to me.
I am usually very confident in myself; but that was one thing I could neither un-hear nor un-remember: People calling or referring to me as fat.
With laughter, I remember how I’ve always hated sports and physical activity that did not involve sitting still. I grew up in Port-Harcourt, Rivers State, Nigeria and in primary school during P.E.(Physical Education classes, usually outside of the classroom), I would never put any effort into racing to the finish line or jumping the hurdles to win first place. I was just okay with ‘’coming last’’. After all, it wasn’t the kind of competition that brought me any fulfillment. Also, I had a teacher who would yell from the sidelines saying, ‘’You, with big bum-bum, you cannot run?’’ Maybe I was lazy or maybe I gave up on myself because she gave up on me too. Anyway, much later in primary school, I was put on the team to represent Bereton House in a Tug-of-war game. Apparently, having a bigger behind that made you look slightly bigger than your peers qualified you to pull a rope that might even weigh more than you do so, yeah, I was fat enough.
So I leave primary school already ‘’knowing’’ that I was too fat to be doing anything other than my academics (or march pasts). Now in secondary school (middle+high school), every now and then I got praised for having a figure-8 but not without haters thinking otherwise. I still remember a girl from my class year whispering to someone else, ‘’She thinks she has shape, she is just fat’’. Code for she thinks she’s all that, she’s just like us. Asides the fact that this is a small part of the untold struggles of a Queen Bee, how does a teenage girl ever forget that snide remark?
As a boarding school student, when you go home for the holidays, you hope to eat mighty good food. Whether or not you like home-cooking, you just hope to eat as you want. Imagine getting your food rationed because ‘’we don’t want you to add too much weight’’ or ‘’ You know there is fat in the family’. The torture. All I wanted was just one more serving of rice without a side eye or stiff lip. This I remember with little or no laughter..
Maybe I was a foodie, but I’m too much of a picky eater to be one…or maybe I was just greedy and wanted a full plate. However, I can’t remember a time ever, that I put food in my mouth and never thought of how fat I could become. The immense mental torture. So basically, all my life, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with food. I could never eat as my heart pleased because someone is somewhere waiting to associate my plump body to the quantity of food I eat.
I truly believe that in the instance of my parents or family friends, it was genuine concern. And by concern I mean, if you were fat, you will not look attractive enough to be marriage-able. So maybe I can’t blame them.
However, I blame myself for associating the word fat with ugly.
Well, a lot of that changed during my University years. I ate what I want when I wanted it, but the love-hate relationship long left my plate and creeped into the bathroom mirror where I continued to associate fat with ugly. Imagine what that does to the mind? The constant comparison. The constant food guilt. The constant shopping struggles(size 12 up,18 down). The constant self-affirmation. I’m sure you might relate already but I’m about to be done with all of that.
Also, we know that in today’s world slim doesn’t necessarily mean healthy and fat could still be fit. Yeah, whatever. A piece of unsolicited advice though: if you actually consider yourself as fat or big, plump or chubby, and know that you need to lose weight then please, don’t sympathize with me. You should lose the weight if that’s what’s best for you, health or esteem-wise. Sometimes we all need to shed a few pounds and funny enough, there are people who need to gain some to stay healthy too. So in fact, I’d say don’t do what’s best for you, do what’s best for your body.
Remember I was kinda always doing something about it. I just wish that while I worked towards being slimmer, I still loved the way I looked and thought of myself as beautiful.
I just wish that I realized early on that I was still a masterpiece even though work was in progress.
As a wise woman once said: I am allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously ~Sophia Bush
I am now deciding to embrace my mirror image without criticizing myself too much. I am now deciding to put on black if I have to, wear sleeves, vertical stripes, put on gym clothes and gym if I have to while choosing to think of myself as beautiful.
The truth is insecurities about our bodies will probably always exist. I’m not sure it goes away. It’s how you feed the insecurity that matters. Do you associate fat with being ugly? Does feeling fat make you feel diffident? Does looking fat make you feel less? I get that fat used in this way might be subjective, but I believe you get the point I’m trying to make.
Will I still work towards getting slimmer, yes. Would I require that slimness to feel beautiful? Not anymore. I feel freed after the fact. The fact that fat is subjective. A wave of confidence overtook me on this trip and I pray I never exhaust this feeling of confidence.
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and I am the beholder.
Here are 10 beautiful pictures of me showing off my beautiful body. No sleeves. No black. No stripes. Just me and my thicc body. Fat arms maybe but still, beautiful thicc body. I now feel a̶l̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ as free as I look in these pictures.
Dear fellow curvy sisters,
When would you be able to say the same about yourself and mean it?
Black is Beautiful and if you black, we in sync and that’s on Fye,Fye :)
I’d be waiting for you on the other side.
Remember, fat is not ugly and fat is subjective. Since I moved to the US, I’ve enjoyed the luxury of no one publicly calling out my body-type. Lol, body shaming is almost illegal. Also, I started to tell myself that maybe I was just wearing the wrong clothes and got myself L-sized t-shirts, mom jeans and a couple over-sized jackets.
I told myself that the clothes I had were meant for a slimmer person, someone who no longer exists, and since then I found peace.
Hopefully, you go shopping too and find your peace.
Cheers to feeling free someday, all-day, everyday…
Epilogue:
As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie puts it, ‘’I wasn’t black until I came to America; I became Black in America’’.
Happy Black History Month!
Written: February 6th 2022. On My Trip to New York, from Boston.
